Last time i'm writing about you

i just came to a realization. i have come to a very straight fact that i've been avoiding all along:

I might have been in love with the idea of you.
I..maybe i am not in love with you.
i am in love with the idea of you.

and that scares me. a lot.
I like having a something that i'd like to call mine. I like having a feeling of loving someone.
and maybe that's the problem.
I end up covering what is actually happening with something i wish to happen. Whenever anything went wrong, i sugar coated it with a sad melo song from stupid korean drama i watched, or i was trying to make a theory of some "inside meaning" or "secret meaning" from what was happening.


I was--I was taking a photo of you in every angle and choosing the best angles from what i've taken and i--i, i nailed, glued that best shot with best angle deep to my mind, hard and secure.

what i was trying to say is: i failed to see you as who you are.
I actually knew it all along--i saw it. And i swept it aside and continue picture the idea of you that i had in my mind.

i just do not want to believe that you actually that such kind of a person. Whatever they told me--That messes up with my theory--that--that messes up with brain.

but i think it's time already.

i'm so sorry that i failed to see you as who you actually are. We both wrong and confused. We did.

But it's the curtain call. How they burned bridges is actually what they really are, they said.
i do not want to believe it, but i do. I have to.

i've hurt so much that i supossed to. I've endured a lot and nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I will continue to cry, i will continue to miss the hell out of you, but, i'll bear it. I'll live with it. It will hurt until it won't. and i cannot wait for that to happen.

I do not know that this words will reach you or not. But just letting you know, if it does, man, you still care.


and it's time to say this. 
I am in love with the idea of you. 

wish you lots of happiness, always.


-
forever an angel, broaden its wings to greater happiness.

Kuharap kamu bahagia

Hai
Apa kabar?
"Apa kabar" mungkin terlalu aneh. Padahal hampir tiap hari ketemu.

Begini..
Kalau melihat dari luar, kamu bahagia. Tambah gemukan ya? baguslah.
Bagaimana dengan dia yang kamu sayang? Apakah dia menyayangimu sebanyak kamu menyayanginya?
Apakah perjuanganmu selama ini terhadap dia membuahkan hasil? Tolong, tolong jangan mau bersama orang yang tidak bangga memiliki kamu. Jangan pernah bersama orang yang tidak berani dengan lantang mengucapkan, "Iya, ini pacarku."

Katakan. Tunjukkan pada dunia bahwa kamu bahagia. Banjiri dia dengan kasih sayang. Karena, kita sebagai manusia, hal tulus apa lagi yang dapat kita berikan sebanyak cinta?
Kuharap dia mencintai kamu. Menyayangimu. Kuharap.., kuharap dia tulus. Kuharap dia tak patahkan hatimu. Kuharap dia tak membuatmu jalan mondar mandir seperti orang bodoh yang tak mengenal orang saat dia tak mau menjawab telfonmu. Kuharap dia tak membuatmu menangis, kamu kan cengeng.
Kuharap kamu tidak bergadang. Makanmu teratur, kan. Katamu, demi orang yang kamu sayang, kamu pasti bakalan jaga kesehatan kamu.
Hei. Dia cantik, kamu beruntung.
Senyumnya menyesakkan ya? Hatimu bagai ingin pecah. Disaat kamu mengenggam tangannya dan dia mengenggam balik, kamu ingin sekali berteriak dan berterima kasih kepada Tuhan.
Jaga dia, jaga dia.

Hidup menyenangkan, bukan?


Aku masih disini, tertinggal di belakang.
Biasa, kan aku bodoh.
Tapi ngga apa-apa.
Aku banyak berubah, belakangan ini jadi suka kopi, nih.
Terkadang namamu masih terucap dari mulutku. Rasanya seperti dosa.

Mataku kadang bandel. Masih saja mencuri pandang ke tempatmu. Terdalamku masih bolak-balik disaat kamu senyum. Tapi aku susah kalau mau ngomong, apalagi menatap matamu langsung. Takut, nanti jatuh lagi.
Soalnya ini masih terjebak.

Ternyata efek sesudahmu ada. Sombongnya aku.
Masih rindu hangatnya duduk disampingmu. Profil sampingmu masih juara deh. Bahkan aku rindu tulisan tanganmu.
Kamu muncul dalam beberapa bentuk, ya.
Muncul dalam logo mobil malam itu, saat mobil serupa muncul di jalanan. Muncul dalam lagu-lagu yang kamu nyanyikan kala itu. Muncul dalam ucapan-ucapan sedemikian yang bagaikan sudah milikmu. Kamu.., kamu itu melelahkan.

Bagaimanapun,
kuharap kamu bahagia. Ucapan itu masih keukeuh sampai sekarang kok, masih berlaku.
Jangan lupa undang aku, janji. Engga akan aku orak-arik lah pernikahanmu.
Aku masih sayang. Tentu saja. Kamu tahu itu.
Tapi aku orangnya emang engga pelit kan, kamu tahu.
Kamu beruntung, kamu disayang banyak orang. Such a fortunate person, you are.

Kamu terkadang terlalu bersinar, apalagi bersama dia. Jangan jauh-jauh dari matahari.
Aku doain dari jauh aja, ya.
Kuharap dia menyayangimu, dengan tulus.
Kuharap kamu bahagia.
Kuharap kamu bahagia.

happy for you

I'm sorry

just a little bit longer.

i still can't look at you at the eye, no, i can't

It's a very hard thing to do, trying to fool myself.

I thought i've made some progress. I thought that this was easy.

I thought i was able to forget you this soon, i felt so relieved.

Trying to keep myself busy with stuff.

There's a time when i rewarded myself for not thinking of you too much not realizing i did it while thinking of you.

There's still some part that hurting me. Seeing certain things that reminded me of you, got me so, so hurt.

And i'm sorry. 

i know you don't care and you're happy now. And i am trying to be happy. I am really.

But i'm sorry. It could not be this soon. But i'm trying, trying so hard to.

It's easier when i didn't have to see you. It's easier when i don't have to look at you wondering what are you thinking, who's on your mind, how much love have you given to her? 

It's easier when i didn't have to look at you and every part of you that you couldn't gave to me.

It's hurting so much, i'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am barely coping right now.

I couldn't be really happy for you right now, i'm sorry. 

But i'm trying, i meant my words you know, when i said i would be happy for you.

It's hard, but i'm trying. 

I'm sorry, don't worry, i'll be back to be me. i'll be back to be me soon.

but now, it still hurting so much,

just wait a little bit longer, i promise, i'm a girl of my word, you see.

I'll be happy for you, i promise.

Out of love

I won't tell you I'm lonely
cause it might be selfish
I won't ask you to hold me

cause that won't mend what's helpless

There's not a thing I could say
Not a song I could sing
For your mind to change
Nothing can fill up the space
Won't ask you to stay
But let me ask you one thing

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

I can't float in an ocean
That's already been drained
I won't cry at your feet now
I know my tears will fall in vain

There's not a thing I could say
Not a song I could sing
For your mind to change
Nothing can fill up the space
Won't ask you to stay
But let me ask you one thing

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

No use wondering
While your change in heart has wandered
So I ask you this question
cause it might help me sleep longer

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you run out of love for me?
Out of love 
Out of love 
Out of love with me

Alessia Cara - Out of love

All that matters

This is what loving you feels like:

It feels like i was tip-toeing after sneaking out from my house after midnight—tried to not wake anyone up, there's this quite rush of little adrenaline came along—sneaky giggles—and it's like somebody was tickling my heart. It's like i have committed a little sin, wishing nobody noticed, yet i took little chance to do it again, took a glimpse if anyone sees it, and do it again.

It's like eating something that you know do not healthy for you. Although it doesn't taste that good sometimes, you just keep eating it, taking it, gulp it down your throat. Cause it's the easy way—it keeps you full and help you sleep easier at night. You keep eating it—knowing it bad for you, knowing someday it could mess you up, knowing someday it could kill the hell out of you. Yet you are excited every time you eat it.

It feels like somebody tuck you sleep at night, it feels like you are sleeping beside your mom. It feels like sipping a hot chocolate in a cold raining night. It feels like a hot shower after long tired day. It feels like blanket and pillows that seizing your body at your little air-conditioned room. It feels like hugging somebody. It feels—warm. 

It feels like maze. It feels like i'm walking in a never ending maze. It feels like i was thrown in a raging ocean, and was forced to survive on my own—i was forced to go along the strong current—let my body flow with it, be it a big rough rock, i was pleaded to get hurt with it, feels every bloody wound that comes along the way, and still, i was smiling.

It feels like a math problem i could never solve. When one answer came up, it was never quite right. It's like deciding to jump at a edge of the world, but before you take the step, all the thoughts suddenly drowning your mind about what its right and wrong. Loving you makes my right feels wrong, my right feels right, my wrong feels right, and my wrong feels wrong. 

Loving you made me feel like... like.. i'm actually a good person. I've never felt like i am a good person until you've told me so. Loving you, makes me a better person, i guess. If what we had was never real—let it be it, let heaven decided it to be. Cause i know that what i felt was true, even just a bit, what i felt at that time was mine and belongs to me only. I don't care if anybody say it otherwise and nobody could ever take it from me. I feel what i feel and it all that matters to me.

10 things i hate about you

I hate it when you smile; and when you talk.
I hate your stupid text; the way you always on my mind.
I hate it when you say bye.
I hate it when you call my name.
I hate your stupid laugh and how you told me the things you never said to other people.
I hate it when you're not around.
I hate it when you say you don't touch a woman you love; yet you touch my hair.
I hate it, i hate the way you stare at me and how easy you able to stir me up.
I hate it when you said you love me; and when you said you never did.
But mostly I hate the way i don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Love me in the old way of loving

Let me sat behind the backseat of your bike; chilly air and night sky.


Take me to libraries and watch my silhouette between the books-let's laugh out loud in the silence.


Sit with me in the ground and feel ourself laying on the earth-as we watch the cloudy sky and sipping hot milk but it feels complete anyway, as long as i'm with you.


Sing me a song you never thought you could write-messy notes, honest lyrics, raw emotions.


Write me a letter as a disguise-instead it is a poem full of i miss you's; send your message through the fireflies, the moon, and the sky-


Call me in the public telephones-smile like you've been craving to hear my sound all day in that tiny box.


Let's run in the rain under your denim jacket-when it's all water, splash, and your face beside mine.


See me like you've seen an angel-be vulnerable until your eyes dart and your mouth couldn't get any words out-


Just,
Love me in old way of loving