happy for you

I'm sorry

just a little bit longer.

i still can't look at you at the eye, no, i can't

It's a very hard thing to do, trying to fool myself.

I thought i've made some progress. I thought that this was easy.

I thought i was able to forget you this soon, i felt so relieved.

Trying to keep myself busy with stuff.

There's a time when i rewarded myself for not thinking of you too much not realizing i did it while thinking of you.

There's still some part that hurting me. Seeing certain things that reminded me of you, got me so, so hurt.

And i'm sorry. 

i know you don't care and you're happy now. And i am trying to be happy. I am really.

But i'm sorry. It could not be this soon. But i'm trying, trying so hard to.

It's easier when i didn't have to see you. It's easier when i don't have to look at you wondering what are you thinking, who's on your mind, how much love have you given to her? 

It's easier when i didn't have to look at you and every part of you that you couldn't gave to me.

It's hurting so much, i'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am barely coping right now.

I couldn't be really happy for you right now, i'm sorry. 

But i'm trying, i meant my words you know, when i said i would be happy for you.

It's hard, but i'm trying. 

I'm sorry, don't worry, i'll be back to be me. i'll be back to be me soon.

but now, it still hurting so much,

just wait a little bit longer, i promise, i'm a girl of my word, you see.

I'll be happy for you, i promise.

Out of love

I won't tell you I'm lonely
cause it might be selfish
I won't ask you to hold me

cause that won't mend what's helpless

There's not a thing I could say
Not a song I could sing
For your mind to change
Nothing can fill up the space
Won't ask you to stay
But let me ask you one thing

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

I can't float in an ocean
That's already been drained
I won't cry at your feet now
I know my tears will fall in vain

There's not a thing I could say
Not a song I could sing
For your mind to change
Nothing can fill up the space
Won't ask you to stay
But let me ask you one thing

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

No use wondering
While your change in heart has wandered
So I ask you this question
cause it might help me sleep longer

Oh, when did you fall out of love?
Out of love
Oh, when did you run out of love for me?
Out of love 
Out of love 
Out of love with me

Alessia Cara - Out of love

All that matters

This is what loving you feels like:

It feels like i was tip-toeing after sneaking out from my house after midnight—tried to not wake anyone up, there's this quite rush of little adrenaline came along—sneaky giggles—and it's like somebody was tickling my heart. It's like i have committed a little sin, wishing nobody noticed, yet i took little chance to do it again, took a glimpse if anyone sees it, and do it again.

It's like eating something that you know do not healthy for you. Although it doesn't taste that good sometimes, you just keep eating it, taking it, gulp it down your throat. Cause it's the easy way—it keeps you full and help you sleep easier at night. You keep eating it—knowing it bad for you, knowing someday it could mess you up, knowing someday it could kill the hell out of you. Yet you are excited every time you eat it.

It feels like somebody tuck you sleep at night, it feels like you are sleeping beside your mom. It feels like sipping a hot chocolate in a cold raining night. It feels like a hot shower after long tired day. It feels like blanket and pillows that seizing your body at your little air-conditioned room. It feels like hugging somebody. It feels—warm. 

It feels like maze. It feels like i'm walking in a never ending maze. It feels like i was thrown in a raging ocean, and was forced to survive on my own—i was forced to go along the strong current—let my body flow with it, be it a big rough rock, i was pleaded to get hurt with it, feels every bloody wound that comes along the way, and still, i was smiling.

It feels like a math problem i could never solve. When one answer came up, it was never quite right. It's like deciding to jump at a edge of the world, but before you take the step, all the thoughts suddenly drowning your mind about what its right and wrong. Loving you makes my right feels wrong, my right feels right, my wrong feels right, and my wrong feels wrong. 

Loving you made me feel like... like.. i'm actually a good person. I've never felt like i am a good person until you've told me so. Loving you, makes me a better person, i guess. If what we had was never real—let it be it, let heaven decided it to be. Cause i know that what i felt was true, even just a bit, what i felt at that time was mine and belongs to me only. I don't care if anybody say it otherwise and nobody could ever take it from me. I feel what i feel and it all that matters to me.