Saturday, November 11, 2017

Kepada :

K e p a d a:
        Lelaki rupa.
        Karismatik.
        Estetik.

-

1.
Apakah kau tahu tentang kesia-siaan?
Seperti tetesan kopi terakhir,
Seperti musik yang berhenti di tengah jalan.
Seperti uang receh seratusan di mata supir.
Itu aku padamu.

2.
Izinkan aku sisipkan kata sayang,
Kepada angin yang berhembus;
Kepada siluet yang bergerak;
Kepada bulan yang remang;
Mungkin saja bisa tersampaikan.

3.
Mungkin ini bodoh.
Tapi ini adalah fakta:
Dari semua organ dan bagian di tubuhku,
Tanganku adalah pengagum rahasiamu.
Kertas jadi saksinya,
Sudab berapa dari (dia) yang diabadikan, hanya untukmu?

4.
Mungkin sebentar lagi musnah.
Tanpa jejak di dunia.
Tapi kali ini biarkan aku meninggalkan satu coretan ke dunia.
Walaupun sederhana, tentangmu.
Tentang indahnya tahi lalat di hidungmu,
Tentang lesung kecil yang terbentuk di bawah bibirmu saat bertutur kata,
Tentang bagaimana kau tak percaya cinta.

5.
Betul, aku hanya seorang sajaka.
Yang kata-katanya tak begitu indah.
Tapi disinilah aku,
Akan selalu disini.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Wish

Its 11:11

Make a wish!
They said.

But don't dream.
Because it will only crushed by your parents expectation. And all you left with are only paper and stress.

Make a wish!
But be realistic.
Because this is real life. You need to be REAL to survive. Like what?
Working hard, study hard, to make money!

Make a wish!
But a wish only for future.
Because that what everyone do, right? A good future. A happy future. But never in present. Never now.
And hey, who knows? Maybe some of us will never see our tomorrow.

Make a wish!
But laugh it off after.
Well, we're too grown up for that wishy thingy aren't we? Just pretend to close your eyes and say something that may NOT be able to happen.

Make a wish!
Honey, sadly i will tell you this: How much wish you said or hope for him will never come true. Hell, he won't even know you pray for him every day before you sleep, or you write those frickin poems for him that left unread!

Make a wish!
You've reached that stage, now. Congratulations. The stage of 'adult'. The stage when people pretend they are so interested in frickin share. When they make themself so busy so they forgot they are actually lonely.
Sometimes they dream at night, sometimes they dream about their childhood, how they were confidently dream, how dare they! How they easily say they would be the best doctor in the world! How they said they want to write words for living! How dare they! How dare they dream! You must got a diploma! You must have a good job! You must be pretty! You need to make money! You need it in order to be happy! I do not raise you to be an artist! I do not raise you to be useless! You! You! You!

And then they wished us:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

MAKE A WISH!



Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Pelindung

Manusia itu pelindung.
Apalagi terhadap diri sendiri.

Kenapa?

Dia berkata,
"Aku telat. Tadi macet."
Aku telat. Tadi ketiduran.

Yang disana berkata
"Aku tidak mendorongnya.Dia terjatuh sendiri."
Aku mendorongnya. Aku dendam padanya.

Lalu mereka berkata,
"Aku benci padanya. Aku lega dia hilang dari hidupku."
Aku rindu padanya. Seharusnya kuperlakukan dia lebih baik.

Dan berkata lagi,
"Aku menyukai orang lain. Jadi santai aja."
Aku masih suka padamu. Tapi lebih baik kusimpan.
.
.
Manusia itu pelindung. Apalagi terhadap diri sendiri. Terutama pada perasaan mereka. Terkadang mereka berbohong. Terkadang untuk diri sendiri. Terkadang untuk orang lain.
Tapi intinya cuma satu, untuk melindungi perasaan mereka, iya kan?

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

They left, but it's normal

It scary that things changed easily. I used to disbelieving that teory-until it happened to me.
"People changes." They said.
"People left." They said.
"And it's normal."

Well, in my case-me who believed that i got the most loving peeps around me-will never do that to me. Or ever made me feel like that.
But above all my theory-under my consciousness- it all happened in a blink. Slowly exactly.

You don't even know it happened. It was one day until you realized you got nothing to talk anymore. And then you realized they have changed.  Or you have changed. But one things remains same for you. For they will never able replaced for anyone else in your heart.

You will meet new people and so are they, but sadly in the end of the day,  you are not the people they told story about anymore.
.
.
.
To accept it?
It was no easy.
For me, i do not want anyone else being half-hearted with me. Black or white. Be there or never be there at the first place. For me being the "second person" hurt much more than being nothing at all.
So i chose being nothing at all.
I prevent myself. I defend myself.
I may look cold, but hey. This is who i am. But me right here, i can tell you that if i cherish you, i will surely be by your side.

And here I am now.
I have never fully accepted it. It still spinning all in my head. Even my past feels like a dream i just wake up from.
Now in present.

I've got to be strong.

People changes, they said.
And yes, i agree, now.
Everybody changes. But some of they remain. They, that remains, keep them, cherish them. Because what else do we got except people who are there for us no matter what?

You still have a long way. Find people that stick for you no matter what, Until the end of the day.
That changes but never left.

18/07/17

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Brain

I personally think our brain are trying to connect everything when we fall in love.
When our eyes see something we love- in what form it is- our brain try to connect it to ourselves. It tried to trick us that our loves try to give us a some kind of messages, or a sign, that maybe- in a very small possibility they might be in love with us. Our brain began to create hope.
And then-
We feel joy, we are tricked to an delusional happiness, an temporary happiness- until we see what is true. Until our eyes see it by itself, something that breaks that delusional theory our brain created- we believe it by then. We can hear it, the sound of our heart breaks- it's sharp, and it know its job- it reached to the place that hurt the most. In instant thrust.

And you know what next? The suffering parts begin.
And endless brokenhearted songs- self pity. Self blaming. Shame. All mixed in. And then you will start to blame. But it will brings you nowhere, the person you love know nothing, and here you are- broken and chaotic as you can be.
And then you realized, it's not their fault after all, it's your fault.
It's your damn brain fault.
It's your fucking heart fault.
And then you will blame, blame, and blame.
Until then, until you start ignoring all of him in your heart, you can't at first, but you try, you deny it as hard as you can. Even sometimes you lose, and your tears came out as the proof.
And finally, you are free- at least that what you tought.
Until a trace of him come back, they slipped softly- through a touch, a smile, even a comment on your instagram photos-
It slipped through your veins, your brain, and last, your heart.
And you know what happens?
You screwed it all over again.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Love

The more i grew up-
The more i realized. Love isn't like love at all. Instead-love is more like chaos-riot-depression-and everything in between.

I've seen people who've been hurt. I mean-been hurt like crazy. Because of one thing. This, this crazy, chaotic, unrealistic thing called love.
I've seen people whose they've been hurt so much they couldn't feel it anymore.
I've seen people that have been betrayed but they eventually begged to came back because they just love the other person so much.
I mean-the most careless people there is, the most i-don't-care-about-anything guy, is the people who threw out their fucking pride, cause why? Because of their heart, freaking heart just couldn't take it when the other party left.
I've known people who love this person so much, all she can do is, to be happy for him. To accept that, he had fallen for another girl, and yet she was forced to smile and gulp down that freaking story down her throat, because, what else did she can do?
I've seen the best couple i knew- the most lovey-dovey of them all, went down in flame. He loved her so much until the day he decided he just didn't believe in her anymore. And their conversation went shorter and shorter after time, they became faded.
And now i'm scared. I always think that, if the one you loved love you back, everything is okay. I've always been jealous of them. Hey, he loves you so what. But no, i didn't realize. They got hurt much more than me. Their loved one who they believed love them with all heart-hurt them. I bet that was freaking much a hell of pain. Their live was supposed to be much more happier than that. They are good people and doesn't deserve that.
So
Here's to the one that feel pain until they feel numb-
Here's to the one that is fool- cause all they can do is love even the love is already long gone-
Here's to the one who love in vain-
Here's to those who heartbroken.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Pilihan

Pilihan.
Meluap meluap dalam asa.
Seakan memenjara-
Memvonis raga.

Bumi terbalik-telaga meluap.
Hidup itu lucu.
Mengacungkan pistol ke mata hati sang luka.
Merobek--bernodakan darah.

Tapi aku apa?
Aku hanya manusia.
Aku mau cinta-
Tempatkan aku di jeruji penuh singa-
Atau dia?

Apa yang akan kamu lakukan?