Hey, it's too late.
I know.
But you probably won't read this either.
But that's okay. Because i wrote this for myself.
Happy birthday to you,
One year ago, my eyes still saw you around. I still could steal glance at you when you were doing math. I still could hear your sound that i can't hardly recall now. I still could feel your presence.
But now-
I couldn't.
I haven't seen you in a while. I did. Only in photos tough. Your hair seems longer now. You look like another person.
Are you someone i used to know? No? You never were. Even when you still here. Are you still someone i used to know.
Anyway,
Did she call you? Did she wait until 00:00 and sang you a birthday song? Or
Did you still in touch with her?
.
.
I hope you're good, life hard sometimes isn't it? I hope you're treated the way you deserved. I hope you still an art like you always were. I hope stars blessed you for what you always fight for. You're one ambitious man, don't you? Take a rest.
Above all,
I wish you were happy. I wish your mom called you everyday to check on you. I wish your classmate is nice to you.
And i wish you were healthy. And you know what? You will always be a part of me, even though you didn't even bother to care. But it's not your fault, though. I am the one who choose to fall for you. And that's okay.
Love,
Happy birthday.
IHave i always been losing you From the beginning have you already out of my life Or it's my imagination Or it's my imagination that you're still here Cause my eyes still can see you Cause my hands can still feel the trace of the place you've touched Cause I still can smell you from miles Cause i still can feel your warmth when you walk past me Cause i still remember how your hand feels Cause i still can stole sight at your worn out shoes Cause i still knew what are you doing at Friday Cause sometimes i caught you seeing me Or it is just my imagination Or it is just my imagination Or it is just me that feel you actually was in my live Or it is just me alone But now that you're gone But now that i can' t see you anymore But now you are far away But now i don't know anything about you anymore Are you still in my life Are you thinking I'm still in your life Or i'm just a part of life for you And i never was a chapter Or i am not something more than a classmate Or i am not something more than a girl that stalks you Or you don't even notice Or you already forget Cause i am not Cause i am still thinking about you But it seems that now you're out of my sight You're out of my life I can't do anything but makes you a chapter of my life and moving on. - you're a best chapter in my life
Disini aku menuai tua
Menunggumu mekar belah
Tapi mereka selalu bertanya:
Apakah yang ditunggu
Juga menunggu?
How could i say
That greatest loss
Is the loss of someone
Who is still alive
When i have never
Felt loss of someone
Who are dead
But God i swear
Losing you
Is torturing me
When i can
See you everywhere
But i can't
Talk to you anymore
I'm that girl.
That kind of girl.
Girl who makes fun of herself to get other attentions when pretty girls just smile and get all their attentions that they want.
Girl who get closer to her crush by giving her crush advices for her crush's crush.
Girl who boys pretend not to hear when she wants somebody to takes her home at night.
Girl who always being that main role's friend.
Girl who do not treated like an actual girl.
Girl who pretend all of it doesn't bother her at all.
Girl who never be loved.
Girl who acted like she's strong people actually believed that she's strong when she's not.
When in reality,
She's not.
She wants boys looking at her like she stole the stars and skies and have them in her eyes.
She wants to be the girl that boy had to ask people advice about.
She wants to be the girl in manga she reads about.
She wants to be treated like an actual girl, cause she is.
She wants someone see her worth. Tell her eyes pretty when she think it's not-grab her hand lightly scared that it will broke her because she seems so fragile. She wants someone reads poetry she makes and hoping to be the person in that poetry.
It's not much,
She just want someone to love her.
You've been through much and you deserve what you've got. You deserve her. And i'm so happy for you.
But then there's me. The one who put you up through it all. The one who've been by your side when you're down. The one who supposed to be happy when you're happy.
--I'm taking a long-reaction poison. I'm taking it anyway knowing i will be die someday.
I'm taking it for granted-your smile, the sound of your laugh. I pretend that i didn't care at all but deep down i know that i do. Deep down i wanted you to choose me, that you will someday see my feelings for you..--
And then it's now. It's when you're already happy, but i don't know how to be happy for you.
"How does it feel?"
He smiles. Looks so painful, looks so pitiful.
He smiles like life is only a joke.
"It feels like falling from the third floor. No, it hurts more."
And then he tapped his chest and look forward blankly.
I just standing there in silence, looking at him.
You know what hurts more?
Seeing you hurt.
It hurts more.
Mungkin bahagia adalah lega.
Mungkin bahagia adalah rela.
Mungkin bahagia itu saat aku tak lagi murka saat matamu- sepasang benda terindah di semesta melirik dia penuh cinta.
Mungkin bahagia itu saat gigi terpapar sewaktu melihat kedua pasang tangan kalian saling berlilit ria.
Mungkin bahagia itu adalah menyadari wanita yang engkau cinta adalah wanita yang didamba.
Mungkin bahagia itu adalah melepaskan.
Rela.
Dan lega.
I like you as a human being,
I see love in you,
I see kindness no one offer to me.
And when i said i still love him-
Believe me that i lied.
I can't say exactly what i feel for you-
Believe me when i said it's the first time i feel like this.
I am confused, too.
I admit,
I like you.
But, no, i don't want you.
I don't want to ruin us,
I'm fine like this.
Exactly fine.
But hey, you know my feelings,
And you still befriend me,
You are not disgusted with me.
I am thankful for that.
But i won't fall more for you,
I'm sorry.
To tell you the truth,
I'm scared.
I'm scared there'll be no us anymore.
Even if us only exist in me, of course.
I'm scared if you see through my eyes,
You will see me screaming,
Screaming for your smile,
I'm scared if you touch me again,
My heart will be prisoned in there,
That black dark place that i just got out from.
That lonely place.
The place for the unloved.
I'm such a coward, i know.
But i hope you just act like you don't know,
And still befriend me,
Cause that's enough,
I'm thankful for that.
Just like a candy,
You are sweet.
Very sweet indeed,
Every move you made
Only good vibe that shared.
But darling,
Everyone knows,
Every candy literally melts,
They melts until they left a sour feelings into your mouth,
And then you beg for more,
More-
More-
More-
But no, life does not give you candy,
Happiness,
That easy.
.
.
.
My friend said,
"I want a happy ending,
You and him."
She said,
"Let her heart broke once."
I don't know i am a fool or what,
But i think i am.
Maybe i'm giving,
I'm giving my candy for her.
Candy that wasn't even mine in the first place.
I think now i know how nugget feels.
When it being placed down in a bowl of boiling oil.
Fresh from refrigerator-
Cold and stiff.
Nugget never saw it coming, i mean.
It never know when it will be drowned into a sea of boiling oil.
And that's when he decided to came in.
Nugget was off-guard.
I was off-guard.
"Plung"
.
.
.
.
"Shhh....."
That's how my heart felt.
When we're in bus you standing in front me giggling and joking to the other girls, i did my best to avoid your gaze and teased my friend until i overdid it and he ended up annoyed at me. You was laughing with my best friend and you caught my gaze, you were laughing, of course. You always laugh anyway, i'd never thought that i would fell for that smile, but i did without i ever realized it. And then you talked to me, i swear it felt like ages since i saw your face, your-full face, not stolen glances, not a sided look. But your whole-face, shine brightly as the sun poured it to you. I swear your eyes aren't brown and i dont think i could fall for another person that dont have brown eyes-
But yes, i do fall. And in my agony your lightly took my hand, i swear my breath stopped, and then you placed it in your hand and size whose hand was bigger. My heart stopped.
No.
It didn't stop.
You made it beat again.
.
.
.
And then you threw my hand away, and then you laugh, laugh, laugh.
And then you touched her hand.
And you laugh.
The more i like you,
The more i drifting further.
Your face-
Is the thing i don't wanna stare.
I've tried my all
To ignore your crooked nose-
In case my vein tried to memorise it.
The colour of your eyes,
No-
I don't want to recall.
The way you talk others-
Smile to them,
But me-
We used to tease each other-
The world echoing our voice,
Our memories,
Or it's just my memories alone?
I have no idea.
The way you avoid my eyes,
My voice,
I don't even suprised.
I don't even hurting anymore.
I'm sorry.
Belahan daun pecah
Meninggalkan tiada tapi asa
Bunyi-
Tak terdengar lagi.
Hanya usap mata,
tertawaan wanita rupa,
Dan kepura-puraan.
"Tidak seharusnya kamu jatuh"
Kata otak.
"Tidak seharusnya aku jatuh"
Kata benda berdetak.
